If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
We’ve talked before about five things to say to a person who’s homeless when you want to start a conversation. Today we’re going to talk about five things you should never say.
These five things are said to homeless people everywhere, day in and day out. They may be used to hearing them, but that doesn’t really make them any less hurtful (or just plain annoying.)
Don’t be the one to make a person’s day worse. Avoid saying these 5 things to anyone who’s homeless:
#1 “Get A Job”
Do you know how many times a day people living on the streets hear this one?
And do you know how many homeless people actually have jobs already?
It’s a myth that having a job will protect you from becoming homeless. And in some cases, it’s a comforting story that people tell themselves. The reality is that homelessness can happen to anyone, job or not, with just a few bad rolls of the dice.
With the unique challenges that homelessness entails, it’s amazing that as many as 44% of homeless people are able to hold down a job, or two, or three.
The bottom line is this: having a job won’t get you out of homelessness if there is no housing available that you can afford.
#2 “Please Don’t Spend It On…”
It doesn’t really matter what you end this sentence with. If you’re going to give money, give it without strings attached. It’s never appropriate to dictate what your gift should or shouldn’t be spent on.
You may think that you only have the person’s best interests at heart when you tell them not to spend it on drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes or say buy food with it. But the reality is that you are not them and you don’t know what they need.
They may have plenty of access to hot food through shelters and soup kitchens, but really need some hygiene products. Or, the opposite may be true. It can even vary from day to day.
Respect the person you’re talking to enough to let them make their own decisions about how to spend their money.
#3 “You Don’t Look Homeless”
This one seems harmless on the surface. But when you say it, it actually reveals your deeply held beliefs about homeless people and the stereotypes you’ve bought into.
The person you’re talking to may not look like the disheveled, dirty person with a shopping cart and a cardboard sign that you see in your mind’s eye when you picture a homeless person, but that’s only one type of homelessness.
Just like all other kinds of people, homeless people come in all shapes and sizes with different personalities, values, and appearances. Understanding the different types of homelessness may help you to understand the different types of homeless people, and what they may or may not look like.
#4 “Why Don’t You Get Help?”
When you say this, you’re assuming the person you’re talking to has done absolutely nothing to prevent or improve their current situation before you came along. It’s kind of like telling someone to “calm down” when they’re upset about something. Has the response to that ever been, “Oh, you’re right, I should calm down. I never thought of that, thank you so much for telling me!”
I’m guessing not.
Likewise, asking a person who’s homeless why they don’t just get help isn’t helpful, and honestly, it’s just annoying. By the time you come along, the person you’re speaking to has likely already exhausted all their options for getting help and have been denied or delayed at every turn. Chances are good that they know far more about which programs are available (or not available) in your area than you do.
Make yourself more useful and take time to brush up on area programs and their requirements. That way, you’ll be able to offer suggestions. At the very least, you can engage in an informed conversation when you feel the urge to ask this simplistic question.
#5 “Why Don’t You Stay in a Shelter?”
The more specific cousin of #4, this question actually isn’t always bad. If you ask it out of a genuine curiosity to know more about a person’s experience and thought process, then you may just learn a thing or two from the answer.
However, it’s often people who see shelters as magical places providing safe, warm beds to everyone asking this question. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
There are many reasons why a person might not be able or willing to stay the night in a shelter. For example, they may have a pet that’s not allowed into the shelter with them. Or, they may be concerned for their safety or possessions. Others do not want to be around the drug use that’s unfortunately common in shelters.
Another simple reason is many places simply do not offer enough shelter beds to accommodate those who could use one.
When you pair those things with strict shelter rules requiring you to come in and leave at certain times, separate guests by age or gender, and might need you to fulfill other requirements, like attending a church service, getting a shelter bed even if you want to starts to seem like a Herculean task.
Imagine that you have to be inside the shelter by 6pm, but your shift at work across town doesn’t end until 5:30. You can’t walk that far that fast, and the bus that comes at 5:45 is almost never on time. Do you risk a little money on bus fare and hope that you make it in time? Sacrifice an hour of wages to catch an earlier bus? Hitchhike? Even if you do arrive in time, there’s no guarantee you’ll be chosen for a bed that night.
These are the kinds of no-win scenarios homeless people have to navigate every single day. So, if you ask this question, you had better be prepared to hear the answer.
